I opened my presidential campaign
With a speech that I wrote with a quill pen
And ink I made from frozen blueberries
And vinegar and another ingredient I’m
Keeping secret for reasons that I’m not
Prepared to disclose. I chose this method
To evoke the Founding Fathers, those
Great men of the past who approved of slavery
And didn’t think women ought to vote and used
The words Thus and Heretofore and Whereas
And a few too many times.
I rehearsed the speech for my wife,
Who fell asleep after the first paragraph,
Which, admittedly, went on for half a page.
My audience was then the dog, who doesn’t
Bother to vote and would rather gnaw
On a stale bone than keep up with current events.
I aimed for an exalted tone, beginning with,
“Nothing I say here will be long remembered,”
And moving through some platitudes about
God and Homeland that I consider hogwash
Although I’m bright enough not to say that
Directly, but to imply it through subtle employment
Of metaphor.
The state of the union, I said, is so bad
That nothing can redeem it. In other words,
Nothing I can do as president will make
A fig’s worth of difference although I promise
To appoint a Supreme Court justice, if I have
The opportunity, who at some point in his or her
Life has watched Beavis and Butthead and laughed
Out loud. Or in the alternative, who has worn a
Shirt wrong side out for an entire day without noticing
That fact. Anyone who has gone to Yale will
Be automatically disqualified for the court
Or my cabinet or any other government position
Which I am entitled to fill. I have no personal
Animus toward that institution, but enough is enough.
I was ready to conclude on a soaring note,
Talking about the need to investigate everything
That hasn’t already been investigated, which,
I admit, may not amount to that much, but
At that point the dog sat up and began to bark.
Shut up, I said, and being a good dog she complied,
Which gave me an idea, an addendum to my speech,
A promise that when any cabinet member or
Senator or aide or constituent says anything about anything,
I’ll just tell them to shut up.
© Dennis Hathaway
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